I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
