there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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