Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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