He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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