You just made me feel so damn special
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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