You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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