Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
