I cannot find my penis.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
