I just cut my nipple shaving
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
