I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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