Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize