First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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