i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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