Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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