Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize