If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
