We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
sarcasm needs its own font
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
