tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize