I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
