Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
