Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
