I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
