i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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