Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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