Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
