i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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