cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
