so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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