I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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