WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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