I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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