I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize