He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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