im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
