4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
