1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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