So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
