So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
