She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
