Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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