So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
