Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
