Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize