I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
