I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
