u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
