Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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