I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
