worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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