32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
