You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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