i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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