I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
