So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
