How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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