dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
