I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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