I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize