we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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