This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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