my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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