sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
