I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Small penises have feelings too.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
