the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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