I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
