My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
