so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
